The family man

Phil Mitchell from East Enders is a proper family man. I just wonder whether there is a psychological mechanism that compels people wanting to be in control of blood related people.

It would frighten me if someone came up to me, saying we are related and that we have to be friends.

I think a connection between people has more to do with common cause.

A lot of crime gets committed in the name of family. More people get murdered by someone they know than by a stranger. Strong emotional bonds seem a recipe for disaster.

Family members covering for each other, providing alibis or planting evidence against others whom they find repulsive for purely emotional reasons.

As a mum or dad you do not have a life-long obligation to your kids. If you have a good relationship fine but if you drift apart, have little to say to each other, then you are not obliged to be there to supply gifts for birthdays or Christmas for the rest of your days.

learned behaviour

I am thinking a lot about family obligations lately.

To explain this imagine three scenarios.

  1. Your family is Mafia and you learn how to grow up in that and you have to stick to your family and support them no matter what or you get killed
  2. Your family is police and you see your parent put on that uniform every day and you learn keeping up the law is all that matters.
  3. Your family runs a business and you learn to think about profits and losses and how to make people buy your products.

Everything in between is a mix of those.

There is a lot of underlying crime about and I think it is difficult for kids who are not trained from the start either to be maker/seller criminals or law enforcers to find a way to recognise what is right or wrong these days.

Just read that some Apps like Snapchat are now used to sell drugs. Kids tend to have to learn and once they made the mistake they know it doesn’t work.

I think much more should be done to explain to kids where the dangers are.

Perhaps in schools there should be one lesson per day and good advice on what to avoid and how not to fall for dangers, which are not apparent to anyone unless they’ve made the mistake.

 

the rogue family

watched a few episodes of‘the Durrells‘. and my hair stood up and curled. A mother takes her kids to Crete to escape British justice and the Greeks were more than welcoming.

The family gotten a free house.

There are some very charming and nice aspects to this series, like the little boy who likes nature and studies animals. Obviously a remote island is a perfect place for that.

But then there is the son who tends to get into trouble. He has this shot gun and eventually gets accussed of shooting a farmer’s turkeys. He then leaves the family home to join a gang of criminals, who employ him to shoot off the lock of a storage facility.

wild turkey

Photo by ASHISH SHARMA on Pexels.com

Whilst the farmer failed to provide evidence of poaching of his turkeys, the judge was very sympathetic towards the Durrells and awarded them six turkeys the farmer had to supply them with.

But the allegation of the robbery was then thrown out because the mother sold her wedding ring to bribe the gang to state that the Durrell son was in fact not taking part.

This was all portrait as perfectly acceptable. The mother even gotten her wedding back from a local honoray figure – with a smile.

I just hate stuff like that. The son, then back with the family, and still trying to be up to the old tricks, had to be constantly watched. That took away a lot of resources the family could have used for positive family activities. Instead of having to play carers and behaviour police all the time, they could have played games, learned or studied instead or spent quality time visiting local theatres.

Bribery is one of the reasons why I would not want my children to mix with rich kids because if rich kids get themselves in trouble in schools, their parents can get their own children out of trouble by donating large sums into the school. But the poor kid, which gotten mixed up with problems, simply gets all the blame.

The rich kid, whose parent bribed the school, probably ends up being prime minister.

The matter of family bribery is very serious and we have to be better than the Mafia.

Evil sisters

As in yesterday’s post hinted, girls can become enslaved and/or exploited through other girls. The Cora story showed that it was actually her ‘disabled’ poorly sister that got her into male relationships to make money for a dream holiday. Cora was always made to feel responsible for her sister’s disability and probably complied to not disappoint her poorly sister further.

In my relationship with my sister, I was the more disabled one but she was the one who gotten me into the trouble-some problems.

My sister was short of evil. She had a relationship with my dad, and then has countless lovers all over her holiday stays. She goes on holiday at least 3 times per year. She now suffers from nerves in her old age. She must be nearly 80 now.

My sister is responsible for me losing my virginity at just above age 16. She literally took me on a holiday to Yugoslavia and organised men to make love both to her and me. I never had sex previously and was totally not expecting this and after that first encounter refused to take part.

Yet that casual attitude to sex and the sickening attitude towards it is responsible why I moved out from home. I wanted to get away from the bad atmosphere.

My sister is not only responsible for losing my virginity but also for me starting to smoke.

She took me on a holiday to Yugoslavia and organised a bloke to make love to me, whilst she had another guy and she did it anywhere, in Fig orchards in broad daylight.

I was naive and the guy took me to the beach at night and then insisted on seeing my towel to proof that he took my virginity. I am now wondering whether he gave my sister money for it.

After that I refused any further attempts from blokes my sister introduced me to.

She did this all her life, having boyfriends and not being able to conceive because she had her womb removed due to an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she had a relationship with a married man, she could carry on like that all her life and keep lovers at holiday destinations. They kept on writing her letters and tried to let them come to Germany to stay with her from Greece or the like but she never allowed them to come. She just went to another destination next time.

She kept a consignment of wigs because men would follow her to work, as she worked behind the counter at the post office.

So what I am trying to say, that if you are exposed to bad influences from your own family, then you have little chance of overcoming that. And if your family is supposed to be respectable, you have nowhere to turn to as you have to keep the secrets.

Especially as school hours in Germany were much shorter, it was only a half-day ending at around 13.00. You are then exposed much longer to bad parents or evil siblings.

My mother was totally depessed and an alcoholic whilst my sister was a man-eating nympth. I don’t even think she was a victim of my dad, as she wanted sex whenever she could and even moved 2 floors up, so she could be together with my dad. She never complained about it to police (as far as I know).

I don’t even care if my sister – who is still alive – reads this because the burden of knowing this and nothing ever having been done about it, is just about too much for me to carry around.

The ‘MeToo’ movement seems to care a lot about abuse and exploitation in the work place but I have never been exploited in the workplace I had to cope with incest (even though I didn’t know it at the time) and a sex made sister who gotten me into bad habits.

I think you just don’t talk about that out of embarrassment but I really do not care any longer. My sister severely critised me for getting married and having children. And even though it wasn’t a respectable (respectable in her view) marriage to a rich man, at least it was a marriage and it was decent – from my part of it – and the children borne were not perfect but we did our best.

My sister now refuses to speak with me because I lived on benefits mostly, since I got married, but really what is bad about having some morals? My sister even wanted to prevent me from getting my share of my father’s inheritance and tried to make me agree that my share gets paid to her; she is a money-grabbing no-good sister.  I had to fight her lawyer for months to get my share of the money.

She has tons of money and sits on it. I reckon she should pay the state for all the benefits they had to fork out for me claiming all those years as it is her who produced a lot of the trauma.

I think my life in Britain would have gone different would I have been able to have a normal relationships with my sister and family. As it was, I just had kids with a husband who was work-shy. He only loved films.

We have very few children in our German family, everybody was always working and nobody had any kids.

I am now not interested in any type of relationships to do with intimacy with anyone. I suppose I would not have had much interest in sex ever, would it not have been for my sister introducing me to it.

I just know that any trouble I gotten myself into in my life was because I needed to get away from home and that gotten my into contact with people I shared flats with and met whilst trying to find jobs and getting settled. You just couch-surf to have somewhere to sleep.

Perhaps our crime-rates today are partially due to bad family relationships, which breed anti-social behaviour in people.

Of course the law has forbidden forced marriage and domestic violence but what happened to me is not against the law unless somebody complains about it.

But in many families keeping to the letter of the law is not the first priority. If it was society would be in a better state than it is.

 

Morals as fashion item

Morals really are the fashion of the times and rules of ‘acceptable’ morals are usually set by the ruling classes.

For centuries morals were dictated by biblical terms. The permanent marriage between man and woman were promoted by Christians and Muslims.

The inability to fit in with the requirements to marry and have kids and stay in that relationship for live brought on many social complications. Those fancying the same sex partners for example or those needing gender changes because somebody important wanted them in another role rather than their traditional marriage commitments.

It’s often not quite apparent that the ruling classes make the rules. At the moment Western society moves away from fixed matrimony. Because top-society people feel better in equal relationships all our laws are now changing towards equality all around.

Women can now have kids and work. That of course gives men a much better chance to pick new partners and change more often.

In the past, when women were tied to their homes, men found it harder to get good quality new partners. They either had the marital sex or had to look for paid for girls. But now, when they have a big playing field in the work-place to choose from, that latter option becomes more obsolete, though not completely unimportant.

And the desire for changing partners is not just led by men, woman are also supporting that option.

I just don’t understand why women find that necessarily ideal.

Heinz-soldierLooking at my own dad. He was the kind of guy who liked women but he liked the feeble, nimble and pretty type. He didn’t like the child-bearing obligations a lot. The detective Lauri, in the Deadwind series I am currently watching on Netflix, reminds me of my dad a lot, they even look very similar. My dad was a very good-looking guy.

Unfortunately for him, he was sent to Norway by the Nazis and had to work with heavy water and that kind of messed up his sperm. There is almost nothing more embarassing in Britain today than having a relative who once wore a Nazi uniform. Just realise my dad’s dog looks a bit like the pooch that the detective, played by Neil Dudgeon , in Midsommer Murders has.

But also the relationship that Karppi has with her son, whose become a bully at school and Karppi, telling him that she will always support him. There I am doubting how far that support can go as with detectives, they naturally need to keep the law. Lauri broke off his relationship to his drug-addicted girlfriend because he could not have had a friend with drugs staying at his flat.

Lauri says he never wants to be a father to a child but now has become a father but he also kissed Karppi with the two children.

Men are sometimes mixed up about relationships and obligations.

So women now can decide to have abortions. I have had two myself because at the time I thought that the quality of life those two babies would have had was too low as they were conceived on the move. I had moved out from home, was couch surving and not fixed for a career. I wanted to be married at least and that’s what I did. Actually I did not want to have children at all at first.

So now we come again to family allegiance. And this law and order hinge makes a good case of how much allegiance you actually can and should have to your family, if they for example are breaking the law. Would it not destroy your life if you supported family members, just because you were born in a crime family?

Equally family secrets can totally mess a person up. My advice is don’t have them, so nobody can blackmail you.

If you support your kids when they do wrong, it does not help them to see the error of their ways. They get encouraged more in their wrong-doing than to do the right thing.

 

 

the young people of tomorrow

protest-bannerTower Hamlets is doing its best to close down public services like schooling for children. There are various applications in the council to close and amalgamate schools.

A recent TV report claimed that Tower Hamlets moves homeless families up north but that the councils there do not get informed of the new arrivals. So if they don’t know how can they make enough school provision?

Incidentally when my daughter had been homeless – because her violent partner had smashed up her flat – we went to Westminster and Chelsea council and they said they send their homeless to Tower Hamlets.

Moving on is the motto these days. The poor working classes are moved on relentless and getting a secure tenancy is like gold dust.

Children will become much more flexible in their approach because they need to take in that education whilst they get it. When I was young we used to have the same teachers in the same schools for life but now it’s constantly new teachers and constantly moving on.

People are strongly discouraged now to have kids whilst on benefits but only a few decades ago, women were encouraged to stay at home and have kids.

Those kids born in the 80s needed a lot of schools. Now, with benefits being cut and employment encouraged for all genders, the amount of schools needed is reduced.

But with the large increase of an older population, who is going to keep the country going if not the young people of tomorrow?

I think this government is playing with this country as every country needs a strong younger generation to carry the flag.

Whilst people with jobs like Boris Johnson can father various children with various women, those on low incomes can hardly afford one child. But then if a richer guy fathers various children with different women, the sheer amount of maintenance will reduce the quality of life for all of them.

I know because one of my daughters has two children with a guy who also has two other women who have his children.

Those changes in the set-up of standards will greatly affect the nation. On one hand, we’ve got the Royal Family cast in stone. Permanent marriages with permanent partners and on the other hand we got – the Prime Minister included – the folks who constantly change partners and have kids with whoever they meet.

On top of that are children borne from surrogacies.

For a grandparent like myself, that priviledge now only exists on paper because with constantly changing relationships the amount of various children from various partners all make a great big mix, which I did not sign up for and I doubt that most grandparents can afford to maintain gifts to all those extended families over a long period of time.

 

Where is the love?

photo of baby breastfeeding

Photo by Cleyder Duque on Pexels.com

Could not help chuckling pleasingly when Camilla Parker-Bowles announced that she looks forward to hugging her grandchildren.

Good on her. I suppose it is easy to get to know the grandchildren when their parents actually involve the grandparents into the process, e.g. like

  • getting to know partners of children prior to marriage or conception of grandchildren
  • regular visits
  • communications that are meaningful
  • Family of grandchildren live a meaningful lifestyle and are responsible.

I hardly see any of my grandchildren. I have not met my daughter’s partners prior to them moving in together. I have not been involved in the process of decision-making, e.g. what is best for the child.

Nowadays the modern families change quickly, e.g. partners change, the family set-up is no longer the same as it was, but, people really need to communicate to keep family members up to speed, so that all know what is going on.

I would not even want to dictate what kind of a family my daughters want to form but it would be good to be kept informed and be involved.

I would want to see that my daughters make responsible decisions. Like

  • Have they got housing
  • Do they have an income
  • Are there plans to improve the quality of life and how
  • Do they raise their children positively
  • How safe is the relationship they are in? Do I approve of the partner?
  • Will they keep me up-to-date with developments e.g. pregnancy, childbirth, getting to know the grandchild.

Unfortunately I had non of this. Some of my grandchildren live in Wales and I am not allowed to see them because my daughter there is afraid I could get social services involved.

Some of my grandchildren live in Scotland but my daughter didn’t introduce me to her partner until the day she moved out. I then went to visit in Scotland and had to ring the council there because their whole communal backyard was filled with rubbish bags. I went to visit a couple of times but since then my daughter split up with her partner and now replaced him with a snake and a dog.

I hardly get to see the kids. They do not contact me via Facetime or any other form of chatting to talk and get to know each other.

Some of my grandchildren live in London and I have not even known that my daughter decided to break up with the partner of her first son. My daughter then gotten into deep trouble with domestic violence with another partner. The latest new partner I did meet occasionally but he has changed beyound recognition since I first met him. He used to wear neat suits and looked like he jumped straight out of a dressmaker’s window. Now he wears tracksuits and sports a liberal beard.

I had not met my newer granddaughter till my daughter suddenly announced they are coming round for Christmas and of course they expected presents.

I made everything nice but the grandchild was very much afraid of me because she had never met me. The last time I met her she only spoke to me when I asked her what gifts she wanted for Christmas.

Otherwise I received abusive and threatening phonecalls from my daughter.

From that I can deduct that breastfeeding and not smacking children doesn’t make them more sensible. My youngest daughter is the only child I breastfed for a long period of time and one of my children, which I never smacked. Yet, I get insulting phonecalls.

I think the concept of grandparent needs some involvement so that everybody is on the same page. Grandparents are not just gift suspenders whenever people think they would want to come round to collect them.

I think that grandparents should means-test their gifting. And not just give because somebody has a grandparents on a birth certificate somewhere.

 

 

Education v. Emotion

I finally cracked the mystery of my life. Since I’ve received by first death threat, I am reminiscent of the history of events that led to this point.

If you look through this blog, I’d received a fair amount of banter and sheer bullying abuse from people over the years but never a death threat.

I received abuse over remarks I made to  family members about improving ones chances in life with extra education and re-doing GCSE and A-levels would improve employment prospects. Another remark that a grandchild of mine would be better off with his dad then culminated in an actual death threat. Yes, I reported that to police and gotten a crime number. I do not tolerate any type of threatening behaviour from anyone and especially not from family members or my own children.

As soon as I had become a LEA school governor people started to dig out dirt, wrote about an ancient arrest in the 70s in Germany. It’s all been recorded in this blog.

Yet, it is explained in the simple fact that as soon as serious education comes into play people suddenly start to react over-emotional.

Some questions I needed to answer for myself were:

  1. why didn’t I attend university when it was free of charge in Germany
  2. why did I get married to a man I hardly knew

Those are the most important questions and I shall answer them.

To 1. It is a very long story. I did not attend university and dropped out of education because the events in my family, which happened whilst I was young, were so disturbing that it led to my temporary downfall and demise.

The case is that when I was 7 I suddenly started to develop scoliosis and it went very badly quite rapidly. Thanks to my father’s private medical insurance I received intense treatment, which then eventually culminated in 2 operatoins when I was age 14 to straighten my spine.

Prior to that my mother – who worked as a telephonist at the local hospital in Wuerzburg – had become an alcoholic. She attempted suicide several times and at one occasion I found her hanging on the living room cupboard upon my return from school. All this was enough to send me over the edge and I started to attend local discos and my learning started to suffer.

I had excellent grades in Elementary school and was top of the class, I had become champion in mental arithmetic but then when my mother started drinking, I dropped out of the results and had to repeat a year because I went to a grammar school teaching business and economics. My results there weren’t fantastic and I lost my desire to educate further.

Though I eventually started Higher Education in an Engineering College in Cologne as the only woman there. But without any emotional or financial support from my family I soon fell off the planned track.

My family was a mystery to me. Nobody seemed to talk to each other, there was little emotion and no loving atmosphere. My mother finally apparently committed suicide. On an evening when both my father and my sister and I went out, my mother went to the local River Main in Wuerzburg and she was found drowned the next day.

For years and years I never understood why my mother, who was always very caring friendly and totally rational suddenly went over the edge and became an alcoholic and why my sister seemed so distant and my father so very cold. Understand this happened in the 60s.

Just prior to my fathers death – I already had been in London since 1977 – I learned that my sister actually had a sexual relationship with my father. She admitted it to me personally when I went to Wuerzburg for my dad’s funeral. My sister refused to attend the funeral because my step-mother attended but she came to see me the next morning and I asked her straight up and she admitted having had an affair with my father. My only explanation is that this is the reason why my mother started to drink because she found out about this.

It is more than unfortunate that this had not been reported to the police at the time and if it was I wasn’t told about it.

We had lived in a house in Wuerzburg in the second floor and my sister moved out of the home and gotten a flat in the fourth floor of the same house. My sister called me a cripple because of my scoliosis and told me never to have children. My sister is still alive today but we have no contact. I sent her a Christmas Card a few years ago and it was returned by the Post Office marked refused.

Over the years my sister treated me like dirt because I married the man I had my children with and she attacked me for having had those children and refused to support me in any way whatsoever.

That brings me to point 2. why I got married to the man I didn’t know.

I was in an emotional volative state of mind. I lived in Cologne, attended school and had a part-time job at the Otto Versand but emotionally I was a wreck. All those unexplained emotionally shocking events in my past, the lack of family support drove me to act irrationally.

I met a man who said he was working for the famous writer Guenther Wallraff and the man asked me whether I could help him type a book for the author. I said I could do it but would not be able to it in my flat but suggested we go to London instead for a few days as I knew a friend there. Suddenly there were money problems and I agreed to take out a loan to bridge costs. You know where this is going. Once in London the guy disappeared, the 3.000 Deutsch mark disappeared and I was crushed, ruined and totally fed up. Apparently Guenther Wallraff was interviewed by police about this but he said he had nothing to do with this whatsoever.

The guy who apparently took my money and disappeared with it was later found dead and a murder investigation ensued. The police was dealing with this and I was greateful that Deutsche Bank let me off from having to repay that 3.000 Deutsch mark loan.

However I was completely paralysed by yet another strange occurance in my life. Whilst I had the flat in Cologne waiting for me, I just could not bring myself to go back. I met my husband in a pub and fell head over heel in love. I had found a job at the BBC German service but had nowhere to live in London.

Longfellow-party

Street pary in Longfellow Road, I lived at no 36 for some time until the whole road gotten torn down and I became a council tenant.

My husband was squatting in the famous Longfellow Road and I thought that was very romantic. Literally my brain completely stopped working, probably because of the sudden hormone over-drive I found myself in.

I insisted on getting married and had no bigger wish than having children with the man I loved. There now followed 15 years of hardship and poverty. I spent my later inheritance before I even got it but repaid all my debts once the inheritance arrived from Germany.

Now five children later I actually also have around 10 grandchildren. I have no contact with many of them. All those grandchildren were born by my daughters, my sons, went on to get jobs and approached life in a more rational manner.

Whilst I raised my kids I bought them a lot of books because I loved books. As a child I read hundreds of books. I opened up my own private library as the school didn’t have one. I borrowed books to poorer pupils who could not afford them.

Unfortunately my husband turned out to be the uneducated type. In fact he had no interest in education or reading whatsoever. That was one major contributing factor to me getting a divorce eventually. We had many arguments over life-style choices and attitutes.

The only achievement he had was being an extra in the film Fightclub. He worked as volunteer in his later years up to his death from cancer. He was never violent towards me and for that I am thankful. He probably only married me because I worked for the BBC and he loved films.

I have had 3 daughters and 2 sons from that marriage. I became naturalised and eventually a British Citizen. There was no support from my German family and especially not from my sister. My father sent birthday and Christmas cards and visited a couple of times and that was it. The rest of my family didn’t want to know.

I eventually took my sons to meet my German cousin in the remote village he lives in in Unterfranken a few years ago, so just that my sons know where I come from.

I have become completely estranged to my daughters now. All of them decided to bunk off school in the latter stages of their education and follow their father’s life philosophy. My daughters mixed up with partners but I had no say in their choices.

My second oldest daughter was born with a severe learning disability, which was – in my opinion – due to negligence during the home birth assistance. Her brain was starved of oxygen as the birth was delayed due to a sleeping pill I had been given by the midwife. Instead of delivering the baby late at night.

Unfortunately she was never given a statement of special educational needs and so her learning disabilty was never formally diagnosed until she finished with secondary education. She was found to have a mental age of a 9 year old and an IQ of 64. She never understood the purpose of education and schools just ignored her needs. I went to lawyers about this but legal action was denied as viable by a barrister because no statement of special educational needs was ever issued.

Yet this undiagnosed learning disability caused the whole family enormous problems.

I needed to care for her and worked from home for years, even starting my own company.

Nowadays children are much better off, they get Statements of Special Educational needs and lots of extra support but we had to do without.

My daughter with the learning disability was being abused by some men in the 90s without my knowledge but the police could not prosecute because of her own thinking that her abusers were her best friends. Anyhow the Director of Public Prosecution refused to prosecute the case. Of course an abused woman with a mental age of 9 would believe her abusers and think they are her best friends.

I think what people need to realise is that improving education is always the way forward. There is no good reason to attack people and especially not me for suggesting it.

I think emotional involvement often leads to distortion of facts and people just do not see the reality of the situation any longer. That now applies especially to one of my daughters who – I believe – threatened me. That matter is with the police.

Whilst I raised my children we had to live – at some point with 7 people in a 2-bedroom council flat – but that should not have led to people losing faith.

I now care for my granddaughter who has excellent grades and wants to go to university. She is good at sport and has a totally different attitude to life. She has lived with me whilst my other children moved away and so she is not exposed to the muddled way of thinking that some of my daughters adopted.

Literally these days, to make it in life, kids really need to focus on education, push away all other influences that hinder a university degree. I am now more than willing to support that.

I don’t believe that keeping secrets helps anybody. Abuse and emtional turmoil always comes to haunt those who were exposed to it and so it is that I publish the facts about  me coming to Britain and how my life here went so far.

I think that everybody should have ambitions and dreams and do their best to fulfill them. Making things better in life is one of the reasons we all live and get on.

If you read through this story and arrived at this, you will be pleased to know that I am going to be 69 years of age this year and that I despise all those who generally accuse older people of suffering from dementia or Alzheimers and having a loss of mental capacity. Older people have a lot of wisdom to give and younger people are better off listening to it.

 

 

Can’t go back

Can completely understand the sentiments of the Durrell woman, who asked herself what she did wrong, when her kids displayed an attitude attributed to single mothers in the old days.

She loved her husband and was blessed by the fact that he had died whilst she still loved him. He must have been a good man.

It is very hard to raise kids with a husband in a cvilised society if that husband is a more than liberal dreamer.

My husband turned out to be one of those and had no discipline and no ambitions.

I don’t know what’s worst; mourning a loving husband or living with a total dreamer who is incapable of earning any money.

Better to have good memories than bad ones.

Not liking hot climates, going to Greece or south of the Alps is not an option. I stick it out in Britain, though my then divorced husband died years ago of cancer.

During my marriage I was always the disciplinarian. My husband didn’t mind his five children swinging on the handles of underground traines during long journeys through London, whilst I tried my best to get them to sit down.

His favourite modern song was ‘another brick in the wall‘ by Pink Flloyd in defiance of education.

That constant state of surrealistic freedom made it hard for the children to fit in. The memory of the father who allowed everything is overpowering.

Now expectations have changed, children have no choice but to make a working life the rule and looking back to the Hippie years of the baby boomers is not an option.

The influence of the father is always very strong and nothing is harder for a parent than to overcome a non-disciplined head of the family who can’t hold down a job.

Schools should teach children the rules of life and not just subjects in the sciences and art or drama. How to earn money, how to pay bills, how to navigate society are lessons some children do not learn at home.

I found that those kids who want to listen to sensible advice are the only ones making life succesful and understand that a career is the only way to improve one’s lot.

Family allegiance

I often hear it:

  • “Family is everything”.
  • “You need to stick together as a family”.

These principles are good if your type of family has lawful and productive rules and all the members of it keep to the terms and conditions of membership.

And, as I said in a pervious blog, professional organisations who call themselves a family, quite stringendly assess membership and make members pay membership fees and sign up to terms and conditions.

But, when it comes to the natural families, those people who live and re-produce and then whose children or even adults break the law or behave in a way that is considered as unpleasant by others, they suffer with a loss of reputation.

So how can natural families (by natureal I mean families who exist through emotional bonds rather than professional ones) protect themselves against members who turn out to damage the good family name?

We can hardly print a notice in the Times columns denouncing so and so as no longer being part of our family just like we can announce deaths and marriages or engagements.

A family is a non defined conglamorate unless it is a professional organisations with legally binding rules and conditions.

Perhaps it is time that emotional families actually also draw up contracts of who is a member and under what conditions, which is possible as long as that contract is lawful.

I am only making those distinctions, in case you are wondering, because some large organisations like British Swimming for example call members of the organisations members of their family.

I find it quite amazing how some parents stick to their children, regardless of how many times they break the law and they still visit them in jail and support them.

Family law for example defines the inheritance rules and there are few exeptions on which a person can be formally disinherited and a will cannot be challenged.

And as I said in a previous blog, as soon as a young person reaches maturity, family allegiance remains a choice rather than a obligation and seeing that now young people can make applications to be moved from their family home into care accomodation if they consider their family circumstances intolerable, I think that senior family members also can have the right to withdraw, financial and emotional support if their off-spring engage in activities that jeopardise important values.

What type of rules families set depends entirely on the values of the head of the family. Some families practise strict matriarchal or patriarchal control to the point of arranged marriages, which are now illegal in Britain.

Lets just think about general sensible things like giving children the chance of a good eduction and the children just show no interest in getting good grades and just don’t care about school attendance or looking to better themselves by means of education and professional development.

Yes the rules on school attendance have become stricter and parents can be prosecuted if their kids do not attend, but there are just such circumstances where parents have very little control over school attendance because the kids have just reached an age, where they can manipulate the communications process.

Years ago schools sent letters to homes when kids didn’t attend. Of course then children could simply bin those letters because the parents were at work it could take a parent months to find out the facts. And the older children were the longer it took schools to notify parents.

Now they send texts and they are harder to hide by anxious kids who want to live double-lives.

But you can argue that academic grades are not everything, true and accepted, but then there is still the matter of politeness and consent and discussion instead of just expecting parents and grandparents to support children and grandchildren forever regardless of what they do with their lives.

But it is what it is, the degree of defiance from young people is often framed into the legally possible. Once it’s gone over to the impossible is plainly criminal.

But the degree of support that parents then give to family members over the years is a total matter of choice.

I just think it is wrong of others to always assume that any person is part of some family they were born into as family allegiance is not part of the deal and not permanent.

 

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