No gift horse

I’m going to stop the series on grandparents and grandchildren now because it has exhausted itself.

The simple rule is that if children want to stay in touch, then they do but if they do not want to stay in touch then they don’t.

I don’t think there is any point in asking for access as relationships of that nature have to be consensual and friendly with plenty of good will.

Children already have to cope with relationship changes of their parents; having to deal with all the grandparents is a chore.

I think it is up to the parents to explain to their kids why they do not see their grandparents. Nans and Paps really do have plenty to do with their lives in any case and I am certain most would love to support their children and grandchildren.

Yet in today’s society, whereby legal responsibility stops age 18 and people no longer live together in large family homes the old idea of the family down the generations doesn’t continue for everybody.

Of course in institutions like the Royal Family, the connection is a must and almost part of the job. The people in the community don’t have that obligation.

It would be more damaging for kids if they just get gifts from somebody far away, that they never meet, I think. I suppose the question of continued relations has become a point for many grandparents and it is the choice of the younger generation if they want to lose touch. Good luck to them.

 

 

Where is the love?

photo of baby breastfeeding

Photo by Cleyder Duque on Pexels.com

Could not help chuckling pleasingly when Camilla Parker-Bowles announced that she looks forward to hugging her grandchildren.

Good on her. I suppose it is easy to get to know the grandchildren when their parents actually involve the grandparents into the process, e.g. like

  • getting to know partners of children prior to marriage or conception of grandchildren
  • regular visits
  • communications that are meaningful
  • Family of grandchildren live a meaningful lifestyle and are responsible.

I hardly see any of my grandchildren. I have not met my daughter’s partners prior to them moving in together. I have not been involved in the process of decision-making, e.g. what is best for the child.

Nowadays the modern families change quickly, e.g. partners change, the family set-up is no longer the same as it was, but, people really need to communicate to keep family members up to speed, so that all know what is going on.

I would not even want to dictate what kind of a family my daughters want to form but it would be good to be kept informed and be involved.

I would want to see that my daughters make responsible decisions. Like

  • Have they got housing
  • Do they have an income
  • Are there plans to improve the quality of life and how
  • Do they raise their children positively
  • How safe is the relationship they are in? Do I approve of the partner?
  • Will they keep me up-to-date with developments e.g. pregnancy, childbirth, getting to know the grandchild.

Unfortunately I had non of this. Some of my grandchildren live in Wales and I am not allowed to see them because my daughter there is afraid I could get social services involved.

Some of my grandchildren live in Scotland but my daughter didn’t introduce me to her partner until the day she moved out. I then went to visit in Scotland and had to ring the council there because their whole communal backyard was filled with rubbish bags. I went to visit a couple of times but since then my daughter split up with her partner and now replaced him with a snake and a dog.

I hardly get to see the kids. They do not contact me via Facetime or any other form of chatting to talk and get to know each other.

Some of my grandchildren live in London and I have not even known that my daughter decided to break up with the partner of her first son. My daughter then gotten into deep trouble with domestic violence with another partner. The latest new partner I did meet occasionally but he has changed beyound recognition since I first met him. He used to wear neat suits and looked like he jumped straight out of a dressmaker’s window. Now he wears tracksuits and sports a liberal beard.

I had not met my newer granddaughter till my daughter suddenly announced they are coming round for Christmas and of course they expected presents.

I made everything nice but the grandchild was very much afraid of me because she had never met me. The last time I met her she only spoke to me when I asked her what gifts she wanted for Christmas.

Otherwise I received abusive and threatening phonecalls from my daughter.

From that I can deduct that breastfeeding and not smacking children doesn’t make them more sensible. My youngest daughter is the only child I breastfed for a long period of time and one of my children, which I never smacked. Yet, I get insulting phonecalls.

I think the concept of grandparent needs some involvement so that everybody is on the same page. Grandparents are not just gift suspenders whenever people think they would want to come round to collect them.

I think that grandparents should means-test their gifting. And not just give because somebody has a grandparents on a birth certificate somewhere.

 

 

watch out for the family trap

What I find quite astonishing is that many people now use the term family to try and extort assistance from somebody they know there is a physical relation to.

But as I pointed out in many posts previously, unless the relationships that children of a family formed were built with the express consent of the parents or grand parents, those younger additions to relationships cannot call themselves family member as there has never been any consent towards it.

When men pick out girls from their school education or engage with them to have yet another child without the knowledge or consent of the grandparents, they can then hardly expect those grandparents to provide help and assistance by stealth. Grandmothers just do not have to support the grandchildren their daughters had without their knowledge with some man the grandmother never met previously.

The term family gets used to exploit older women’s maternal instincts to provide help and support free of charge.

So enough of that. Many women fight hard to get equal treatment in the work place and have a say in public life, so girls stand up for yourselves and be very choosy.

distorting facts

whilst some Christmas advertisements promote sending gifts to remote pensioner parents or grand-parents, it is more likely that those parents and/or grandparents are expected to send gifts to the remotely living grandchildren they never see.

accomplishment ceremony education graduation

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Online platforms enable pictorial representation of the sweet little things that then translates into buying gifts for birthdays, Christmas, graduation etc.

Yet, distant relationships become estranged and any parent or grandparents can get a real shock when they are suddenly confronted with the actual ideology their children have.

Once a parent always a parent is no longer valid. Once we stop receiving child-benefit forthose little ones, they become legal entities in their own right and we no longer need to care.

They have moved out, make their own friends and no longer ask for approval. They do no longer need to ask for approval, as we do not have those large family homes that house generations.

We have small dwellings that house 1,2 or 3 at most. Always on the go.

Whilst parental instincts dictate the caring attitude and the: “I must safe him/her from harm and promote their prospoerity”, the kids themselves often couldn’t care less.

They are far away and use platforms like Facebook or Instagram to post those heart-melting photos that make you save up your pension for the next celebrationary gift.

They often know what you want to hear and say little else.

But if you hear something that is concerning, unlawful or outright dangerous, please do not hesitate to report them to the proper authorities and keep yourself and others safe.

Graduation gifts are reasonably good as they reward achievement and that is what parents and grandparents really should concentrate on.

 

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