Education v. Emotion

I finally cracked the mystery of my life. Since I’ve received by first death threat, I am reminiscent of the history of events that led to this point.

If you look through this blog, I’d received a fair amount of banter and sheer bullying abuse from people over the years but never a death threat.

I received abuse over remarks I made to  family members about improving ones chances in life with extra education and re-doing GCSE and A-levels would improve employment prospects. Another remark that a grandchild of mine would be better off with his dad then culminated in an actual death threat. Yes, I reported that to police and gotten a crime number. I do not tolerate any type of threatening behaviour from anyone and especially not from family members or my own children.

As soon as I had become a LEA school governor people started to dig out dirt, wrote about an ancient arrest in the 70s in Germany. It’s all been recorded in this blog.

Yet, it is explained in the simple fact that as soon as serious education comes into play people suddenly start to react over-emotional.

Some questions I needed to answer for myself were:

  1. why didn’t I attend university when it was free of charge in Germany
  2. why did I get married to a man I hardly knew

Those are the most important questions and I shall answer them.

To 1. It is a very long story. I did not attend university and dropped out of education because the events in my family, which happened whilst I was young, were so disturbing that it led to my temporary downfall and demise.

The case is that when I was 7 I suddenly started to develop scoliosis and it went very badly quite rapidly. Thanks to my father’s private medical insurance I received intense treatment, which then eventually culminated in 2 operatoins when I was age 14 to straighten my spine.

Prior to that my mother – who worked as a telephonist at the local hospital in Wuerzburg – had become an alcoholic. She attempted suicide several times and at one occasion I found her hanging on the living room cupboard upon my return from school. All this was enough to send me over the edge and I started to attend local discos and my learning started to suffer.

I had excellent grades in Elementary school and was top of the class, I had become champion in mental arithmetic but then when my mother started drinking, I dropped out of the results and had to repeat a year because I went to a grammar school teaching business and economics. My results there weren’t fantastic and I lost my desire to educate further.

Though I eventually started Higher Education in an Engineering College in Cologne as the only woman there. But without any emotional or financial support from my family I soon fell off the planned track.

My family was a mystery to me. Nobody seemed to talk to each other, there was little emotion and no loving atmosphere. My mother finally apparently committed suicide. On an evening when both my father and my sister and I went out, my mother went to the local River Main in Wuerzburg and she was found drowned the next day.

For years and years I never understood why my mother, who was always very caring friendly and totally rational suddenly went over the edge and became an alcoholic and why my sister seemed so distant and my father so very cold. Understand this happened in the 60s.

Just prior to my fathers death – I already had been in London since 1977 – I learned that my sister actually had a sexual relationship with my father. She admitted it to me personally when I went to Wuerzburg for my dad’s funeral. My sister refused to attend the funeral because my step-mother attended but she came to see me the next morning and I asked her straight up and she admitted having had an affair with my father. My only explanation is that this is the reason why my mother started to drink because she found out about this.

It is more than unfortunate that this had not been reported to the police at the time and if it was I wasn’t told about it.

We had lived in a house in Wuerzburg in the second floor and my sister moved out of the home and gotten a flat in the fourth floor of the same house. My sister called me a cripple because of my scoliosis and told me never to have children. My sister is still alive today but we have no contact. I sent her a Christmas Card a few years ago and it was returned by the Post Office marked refused.

Over the years my sister treated me like dirt because I married the man I had my children with and she attacked me for having had those children and refused to support me in any way whatsoever.

That brings me to point 2. why I got married to the man I didn’t know.

I was in an emotional volative state of mind. I lived in Cologne, attended school and had a part-time job at the Otto Versand but emotionally I was a wreck. All those unexplained emotionally shocking events in my past, the lack of family support drove me to act irrationally.

I met a man who said he was working for the famous writer Guenther Wallraff and the man asked me whether I could help him type a book for the author. I said I could do it but would not be able to it in my flat but suggested we go to London instead for a few days as I knew a friend there. Suddenly there were money problems and I agreed to take out a loan to bridge costs. You know where this is going. Once in London the guy disappeared, the 3.000 Deutsch mark disappeared and I was crushed, ruined and totally fed up. Apparently Guenther Wallraff was interviewed by police about this but he said he had nothing to do with this whatsoever.

The guy who apparently took my money and disappeared with it was later found dead and a murder investigation ensued. The police was dealing with this and I was greateful that Deutsche Bank let me off from having to repay that 3.000 Deutsch mark loan.

However I was completely paralysed by yet another strange occurance in my life. Whilst I had the flat in Cologne waiting for me, I just could not bring myself to go back. I met my husband in a pub and fell head over heel in love. I had found a job at the BBC German service but had nowhere to live in London.

Longfellow-party

Street pary in Longfellow Road, I lived at no 36 for some time until the whole road gotten torn down and I became a council tenant.

My husband was squatting in the famous Longfellow Road and I thought that was very romantic. Literally my brain completely stopped working, probably because of the sudden hormone over-drive I found myself in.

I insisted on getting married and had no bigger wish than having children with the man I loved. There now followed 15 years of hardship and poverty. I spent my later inheritance before I even got it but repaid all my debts once the inheritance arrived from Germany.

Now five children later I actually also have around 10 grandchildren. I have no contact with many of them. All those grandchildren were born by my daughters, my sons, went on to get jobs and approached life in a more rational manner.

Whilst I raised my kids I bought them a lot of books because I loved books. As a child I read hundreds of books. I opened up my own private library as the school didn’t have one. I borrowed books to poorer pupils who could not afford them.

Unfortunately my husband turned out to be the uneducated type. In fact he had no interest in education or reading whatsoever. That was one major contributing factor to me getting a divorce eventually. We had many arguments over life-style choices and attitutes.

The only achievement he had was being an extra in the film Fightclub. He worked as volunteer in his later years up to his death from cancer. He was never violent towards me and for that I am thankful. He probably only married me because I worked for the BBC and he loved films.

I have had 3 daughters and 2 sons from that marriage. I became naturalised and eventually a British Citizen. There was no support from my German family and especially not from my sister. My father sent birthday and Christmas cards and visited a couple of times and that was it. The rest of my family didn’t want to know.

I eventually took my sons to meet my German cousin in the remote village he lives in in Unterfranken a few years ago, so just that my sons know where I come from.

I have become completely estranged to my daughters now. All of them decided to bunk off school in the latter stages of their education and follow their father’s life philosophy. My daughters mixed up with partners but I had no say in their choices.

My second oldest daughter was born with a severe learning disability, which was – in my opinion – due to negligence during the home birth assistance. Her brain was starved of oxygen as the birth was delayed due to a sleeping pill I had been given by the midwife. Instead of delivering the baby late at night.

Unfortunately she was never given a statement of special educational needs and so her learning disabilty was never formally diagnosed until she finished with secondary education. She was found to have a mental age of a 9 year old and an IQ of 64. She never understood the purpose of education and schools just ignored her needs. I went to lawyers about this but legal action was denied as viable by a barrister because no statement of special educational needs was ever issued.

Yet this undiagnosed learning disability caused the whole family enormous problems.

I needed to care for her and worked from home for years, even starting my own company.

Nowadays children are much better off, they get Statements of Special Educational needs and lots of extra support but we had to do without.

My daughter with the learning disability was being abused by some men in the 90s without my knowledge but the police could not prosecute because of her own thinking that her abusers were her best friends. Anyhow the Director of Public Prosecution refused to prosecute the case. Of course an abused woman with a mental age of 9 would believe her abusers and think they are her best friends.

I think what people need to realise is that improving education is always the way forward. There is no good reason to attack people and especially not me for suggesting it.

I think emotional involvement often leads to distortion of facts and people just do not see the reality of the situation any longer. That now applies especially to one of my daughters who – I believe – threatened me. That matter is with the police.

Whilst I raised my children we had to live – at some point with 7 people in a 2-bedroom council flat – but that should not have led to people losing faith.

I now care for my granddaughter who has excellent grades and wants to go to university. She is good at sport and has a totally different attitude to life. She has lived with me whilst my other children moved away and so she is not exposed to the muddled way of thinking that some of my daughters adopted.

Literally these days, to make it in life, kids really need to focus on education, push away all other influences that hinder a university degree. I am now more than willing to support that.

I don’t believe that keeping secrets helps anybody. Abuse and emtional turmoil always comes to haunt those who were exposed to it and so it is that I publish the facts about  me coming to Britain and how my life here went so far.

I think that everybody should have ambitions and dreams and do their best to fulfill them. Making things better in life is one of the reasons we all live and get on.

If you read through this story and arrived at this, you will be pleased to know that I am going to be 69 years of age this year and that I despise all those who generally accuse older people of suffering from dementia or Alzheimers and having a loss of mental capacity. Older people have a lot of wisdom to give and younger people are better off listening to it.

 

 

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